public::bookstore

hi from sunday night.

2012-01-29T21:04:00.000-05:00

hi.
i was going to write a post tonight. you know, one of the old sort of posts, where i'd write well and thoughtfully and maybe even say something you'd want to read...

but here's what happened tonight:

we made sushi, at lindsey's request.
she turned thirteen yesterday.
we didn't see her yesterday.
that's a first.
and as confused as i was about what it meant that i didn't see her on her birthday-after all, i haven't missed one since the day she was born-she seemed to manage it just fine.
but really, who knows.
who knows how we manage things,
until we don't.

tangent.

tonight:
we made sushi.
and we hung out on the couch longer than usual.
we opened presents.
and the boys came over.
and we took an awful lot of photos.
and we got ready for monday.
and we had tea.

and now,
now-
it is time.for.bed.

even for the thirteen-year-old.
especially, for the thirteen-year-old.

more soon.
xo,
tt

from the archives: or, i haven't gone to pick up film in so long, i don't remember if i even have any film to pick up.

2012-01-23T19:27:00.000-05:00

but i remember this day;
anna and i wound up somehow in the city.
and she and i, just us, went to the smile.
while not the most stellar of places,
it is one of my favorites.
for the sign out front.
for the props. (for that's what they are...)
for the pickles.
for the fact that it's across the street from dashwood books.

in any event,
i've been scanning old slides this week, if you haven't caught on.

::

i've also been indoctrinating anna into a few of her sisters' childhood songs. when i played this, callie came running upstairs from her (new!!) room. she wasn't sure what she was hearing, but she knew it by heart.

::

i've also been working from home...do you all know that i've gone and gotten myself a job?
(or, more accurately, a job has come and gotten me?)

::

i'm also going to be forty-five-years-old tomorrow.

but enough about me.

xo,
tt

hi from sunday night.

2012-01-22T19:50:00.000-05:00

lately around here we've been around here,
a lot.
our unofficial, unspoken, and unintentional new year's resolution seems to be:
more time together.

yes, sure. this is due to a full half of us being grounded for an over-long period of time.
and yes, sure, not all of us see this as being a positive turn of events.

but.
well, i think they might.

the strangest thing is, after the initial complaints-and they were many and L.O.U.D.
we seem to have settled into complacency.

we are home.
together.
everyday.

and let me tell you.
(let me tell you before the chorus of "what a gift to have this time together!")
let me tell you,
it's been ugly at times.

but it's been pretty damn beautiful, too.

ugly, loud, beautiful.

oy, i need a break.

::

best wishes to you.
more soon.
xo,
tt

back in the summer, when it was warm, and we spent our nights down at the river.

2012-01-21T19:19:00.000-05:00

scanning some slide film, on this first snowy day, as i don't have much else i need to be doing.

enjoy tonight,
best wishes.
xo,
tt.

2012-01-21T00:06:00.003-05:00

oh, hi.

what are you doing up so late?
(or so early...)

go to bed.
i'm going to bed.

more tomorrow.
(i guess it is tomorrow.?.)

xo,
tt

at dinner tonight we were our worst, best, loudest selves. but there we were, all of us. plus one.

2012-01-18T20:46:00.000-05:00

and then, with much effort, we erased all traces of that loud crazy dinner.
and now we sit here
with our tea.
we wait as The Loud Ones make done with their day,
until we can crawl
ourselves
under quilts,
and spend the night-
the quiet long night-
facing one another,
until the next day.

more soon.
xo,
tt

hi from sunday night.

2012-01-15T23:29:00.003-05:00

a long weekend.
a good, long weekend.

xo,
tt

a few things that have knocked me flat, lately.

2012-01-12T19:59:00.008-05:00

i think this song may be the best song i've ever heard. i'm serious.

chicken chili, cooked most of the day long.

loose leaf tea.

my new spectra film.

a few isolated incidents of unnecessary kindness between our daughters.

finally getting a long overdue night with a friend.

how much i like going (back) to work (after fifteen years, no less.)

lindsey's compositions on the piano. it seems unreal that she can make up such music off the top of her head, and from the tips of her twelve-year-old fingers.

my father talking to me about some bad news, and feeling he's talking from his heart.

looking around my house at all the things i love that have been gifted to me from friends.

tim.

::

more soon.
xo,
tt

this afternoon, even the power lines and empty branches looked beautiful.

2012-01-11T20:31:00.000-05:00

we've been walking together in the late afternoon. when we come back, it's time to turn the front door light on, light the candle in the hallway, and pour a glass of wine.

i don't mind the winter days at all.
but i would like a bit of snow.

more soon.
xo,
tt

speaking of true love...

2012-01-10T19:24:00.000-05:00

oh, how i've missed this spectra film. this is the old stuff, from the impossible project.

(liz, this is what i bought with your christmas gift. thank you, truly.)

also, i am determined to get in to see this before the end of the month.

more soon.
xo,
tt

leftovers and inspiration.

2012-01-09T19:39:00.000-05:00

still clearing off my desk...more b&w film from a dinner across the street last month.

and,
tim went to the library with some of the girls yesterday, and brought back a few photography books for me.

i've just gone through one of them-mary ellen mark.

good lord, people! remember, i'm just making this up as i go along. i've not a single photography course under my belt. so to discover these amazing artists pretty much remakes my world each and every time.

and this time was big time.

ok.
bedtime for anna, and tonight, calzones for the rest of us.

good things.

xo,
tt

borrowed.

2012-01-07T12:19:00.000-05:00

happy saturday, to you.
trying to clean out some film shots i've got piled up on my desk and hanging around my hard drive...

these four are shots i took of a client's house, with pedro's yashica mat.
i love that camera, but haven't been shooting enough with it.
i really should count on giving it back to him soon, so i'm going to dust it off today (figuratively) and get going.

best wishes for a relaxing weekend.
xo,
tt

hi.

2012-01-04T20:08:00.001-05:00

i can hear him reading up there.
i've got just a few minutes.
they're up there too.
(although they just came down for toast.)
now one in the shower,
singing.
one on the computer,
talking to her friend, live and full-screen.
both growing up and away.
i can feel it now, in such tiny but certain increments.

even the little one,
now i need to be firm.
need to do what's good for her,
not just coddle,
not just stroke.

and him.
well.
about him, i feel just as raw and fresh as ever.
there is no settling.
oh, it's so safe and secure,
to be sure.

but when you are in love,
you never completely step back from the edge
of falling.

we've got so much farther to go,
but
we've come such a long way.

more soon.
xo,
tt

lunch for one, almost.

2012-01-03T14:17:00.000-05:00

tim's been back working from home for over a year now, since we closed the gallery,
and one of the routines we've developed is to sit down together for a nice lunch- if not every day, then at least a few times a week.

that's one of the routines that went out the window these past few weeks of "vacation". ahem.

today is our first day back in the old swing of things, and i made lunch and waited for tim to come back from a morning meeting at a client's office. and waited.

finally, i gave up and dug in.

and that's just about when he walked through the door.

::

so glad to be back in the old swing of things. (even though these dark school mornings are going to be rough on us all, for a while.)

more soon.

xo,
tt

2012-01-02T17:34:00.000-05:00

i am feeling quiet now. not so much to say.

but it has not been quiet.
a trip to the city, a very loud car ride home, a huge late lunch at my parents' house.

now home, and feeling quiet.
but i wanted to share these two photos. (taken last week, while giving the three big girls driving lessons up and down uncle brian's driveway...didn't tim just teach them how to ride bikes?)

they (the photos, that is!) seem to me to be quiet. i feel even the photos here the last week or so have been loud.
and that's been a good, happy sort of loud.

but even so, i'm ready now. back into a routine. and the chance to find a little bit of peace and quiet in every day.

best wishes. thanks for stopping in.

xo,
tt

a picture a day.

2011-12-31T16:27:00.003-05:00

hello there.
right now, i'm listening to my beloved avett brothers, which jojo copied on disc for me.
and i'm drinking a watered-down mug full of wine, trying to ease my nerves,
which are
quite frankly,
quite very frayed by the last week or so.

ok, the last year or so.

today, here, it is cold-ish but the sun was out and is fading now. we most likely would have taken a long walk with all the girls, but i just didn't have it in me. not the walking, but the wrangling. the negotiating over who sits where in the car. who wants to go and who does not but must be strong-armed. the bringing of snacks and bribing of girls.
i'm just exhausted by it.

today, here, our basement is tricked out with little white lights and tablecloths concealing the shabbiness of every conceivable table and bench and chair. there are twenty plastic champagne glasses set up, next to bottles of seltzer and cider and salad bowls full of chips and pretzels. we grown-ups get to go across the park and stand next to a similar spread, but in a livingroom empty of children.

today, here, we have some teenage drama playing out in front of our house and being narrated by text messages and illustrated with polaroids of family portraits, thankfully without sound.
(although i've an idea tim was standing behind me with the flip camera, so...)

today, here, i am ready to bid this year good bye, good riddance. both scared of what's next and sad to leave what was, as difficult and just plain rotten as so much of it was.

::

i've taken a picture a day for the last year. (also the year before.)
today, here, i've sat and watched them scroll across my screen, like this.
and it makes me think. makes me feel a thing or two or three hundred.

the first thing that comes to mind is: damn, i miss that spectra image film!
the second is: i drink a lot of tea and even more wine.
the third is: i don't get out much.

in the end, i'm so sure that i will, tomorrow, here, wake up and start it all over again.

with all the changes that are going to take place in the next year-the ones i know about (a job! kids growing older!) and so many i can't know- waiting, ominously and promisingly, around the corners of our days...i need to keep going. keep noticing and recording. even if the majority of those things are of interest only to me. to us.
and, someday i think, to these girls.

::

in the end,
today, here,
and last night, in the middle of a fitful sleep in a bed filled with me, my love, the cats, and two too many of the girls...
i realized that i am truly completely consumed by being a parent to these kids.

i don't know if that's good or bad; if it will come to be shown that i screwed it all up, and them, and myself in the process.
but there it is.

no resolutions.
just small, obvious revelations.
and the hope for more and less of the same in the new year.
(and some spectra film.)

best wishes to you all. truly. truly.
xo,
tt

when the going gets rough...

2011-12-29T10:18:00.001-05:00

so, it was all going perfectly well until about mid-afternoon yesterday.
now, we've got six kids-four of them grounded and on house arrest-with not a lot to do and a whole lot of energy.

we have put them to work, we've made batch after batch of popcorn, played numerous sets of desk-top ping-pong, left the house in a huff to take phone calls in the privacy of the front steps, jumped at the chance to be the one who "gets" to run across to the neighbors to borrow an egg, etc...and watched freaky friday with anna more times than any of us thought tolerable. (one of us...ahem...still cries at the ending, though.)

a whole lot of togetherness has been enjoyed. (a nice side effect of the grounding.)

but now, things are just plain getting ugly around here.

so last night, at the unseemly hour of 10 pm, i called in help. we're off today, for the greener pastures (read: large house in the woods that has a wii) of uncle brian's.

we're taking this house of blues to connecticut.

more soon.
xo,
tt

as these things go.

2011-12-26T15:43:00.001-05:00

last night; eighteen people, shoulder to shoulder, staircase to window sill. packed in, but merry.

today; five of us, two cats, and a dog on loan. nearly all a little tired and grouchy, despite a near-perfect day-before. as these things go.

near-perfect, i say, since one of us (tim) had to take a little detour to the e-room for stitches, the result of a christmas day gardening injury. (new felco clippers under the tree.)

ouch.

tonight; three of us, two cats, and a(nother, different) dog on loan. and surely sundown will find us under quilts, with a movie on the laptop, and a bowl of popcorn on our laps.

this is one of my favorite weeks.
so much good behind us. and ahead of us, the long slow days and dark last nights of the year.
i've a lot to think about. a lot to sort out. time to find a way to keep what works, work on what doesn't, and settle in with the idea that the rest isn't much up to me, anyway.

best wishes.
more soon.

xo,
tt

so here we are, on this night. this particular night.

2011-12-23T20:18:00.001-05:00

and here we are.

today, on the way to her mom's house, to pick up presents from under the tree there, to put under our tree, emily said:

"even if christmas isn't perfect, it's still christmas."

and then we talked a few sentences more...how perfect isn't the goal, or even attainable. how perfect is just about us all being who we are, how we are this year, how we make it all work.

and then em said "yeah, if we're happy on christmas, then it's perfect."

i don't know. i can't say for sure how things are supposed to be, or even how i'm supposed to talk to all these girls about all of this-all of it all. everything.

but i know, in that minute. and in quite a few hundredthousandmillion minutes before or after this christmas...
it's pretty perfect. it's as perfectly us as anything ever could be.

and that's all.

xo.
tt.

2011-12-21T21:11:00.000-05:00

hi. these photos look so "seventies" to me. from a day last weekend when we dropped anna off in brooklyn with her grandma liz, and then tim and i spent a few hours in manhattan. our goal was to knock off our christmas shopping for the girls.
that didn't quite happen, but we did have a nice lunch.
and i showed tim the church my father was baptized in...back in...when, dad? maybe 1925? in a catholic church that is now right in the middle of chinatown.

::

oh, the level of energy here right now. can you imagine what our dinner table sounds like?
secret santa is coming to a close, tim and i are having a day together tomorrow...last one where all the girls are in school for a while.
and then tomorrow night, a big, fun night for me and a few of the girls (the middle three...very funny to think of it that way...hee.) off to the city for the nutcracker and dinner out with grandparents and cousins, etc...

things are both heating up and winding down. it's time to check expectations and plans at the door, and just enjoy.

more soon.
xo,
tt

today was a bad day that went good.

2011-12-20T20:59:00.000-05:00

and these are all from a good night, at the end of which i messed up one small interaction with a medium sized girl, and i will most likely remember that moment for way longer than she, or they, or anyone else ever will.

but it's all fine. we're good. we are very, very fine.

xo,
tt

2011-12-19T17:17:00.000-05:00

as promised, my new "tablecloth" from brooklyn general. i've found that 3/4 of a yard of fabric is the perfect size for our kitchen table. i can't sew, so i just use it unhemmed; i'll turn it and flip it as it gets spilled on, until i can't hide the stains under the fruit bowl anymore. then i'll wash it, and hang it, and maybe get some more life out of it somewhere else.

writing this, i'm thinking that if i could just learn how to sew a straight line on the machine, i could probably do all sorts of handy things. but that's most likely not going to happen anytime soon, so.

ok. best wishes.
xo,
tt

hi from sunday night

2011-12-18T21:07:00.000-05:00

hi.
first of all, thank you. thanks for checking in, and wondering and asking.

but really. i swear on my honor, i'm not being coy.

it's just that. well. i've been feeling that since i can't really talk all that freely here anymore, that i really can't talk at all.

but here's what i can tell you:

we've been busy.
we've been going to parties, and (most likely, i) have been talking way too much.
we've been baking: gingerbread cookies, and jen's gingerbread, and those pretzel/kiss things i always make, and a dozen (!) batches of granola. (this last, to give away to friends and teachers.)
we've been to parties where we've been singing. (songs i haven't heard since being a kid at church.)
we've been to parties where i wore high heels and drank colorful drinks (and then alot of seltzer water.)
we've been to new york city to shop and eat and meet friends and walk.
we've been to new york city just us two, to walk around holding hands and sit at a bar (!) together (!).
we've dropped anna off in brooklyn with her grandma liz, and we're thinking this should be a more regular occurrence.
i got to go across the street to brooklyn general (!). cue many shots of the new fabric on my table.
the cats think the tree is just a big toy holder.
the cats sleep on our feet every night and act like they're doing us a favor. (they are.)
i moved an extra table in for tonight's sunday dinner.
and i'm going to leave it there all week;
i need to move a whole other table in as well, for next sunday's christmas dinner (19 people!)
i have music on while i work in the kitchen, and light a candle in the morning, and then three or four more by sundown, and try to stave off the panic that comes from worry by just being in the middle of cooking, of hugging somebody next to me, of feeding a crowd, of crossing things off the list.

it seems to be working.

more. maybe. soon. i promise, i'm not being coy. i'm just being me.

xo,
tt

hi from sunday night::

2011-12-11T21:48:00.000-05:00

and oh, what a sunday night.

this weekend we:

spent a friday night as grown ups, dressed up, and loving every minute of it. perhaps the best party of the year.

sent or left the girls out on their own...and hoped for the best...and in some cases it was ok and in others...well. see previous entry.

spent an entire saturday making up for friday, and clocked way too many hours driving around the county.
but at the end of the day, with girls and a nephew and some friends ending back in our house and settling in for the night...
well. perhaps the best night of the year.

spent sunday cleaning up from the previous two days...and got a walk in the woods in after all. just us two. what in the world is better than a walk in the woods, just us two? exactly.

and sunday night? another party! and so good. so, so good. ending up with singing, and then back at home, decorating the tree...(we had to strip the lights from outside to string them on the tree, but...mission accomplished...)

just a little in love with these days, right now. but boy, did i need to fall a little in love with now.

more soon.

xo,
tt

the last of fall.

2011-12-08T21:27:00.000-05:00

the last of the photos from fall...on a walk, in the yard, around the house.

i'm ready to let go of it. this weekend the holiday parties begin...
i was this close to buying our tree today,
but i knew at least a few of the girls would be upset that i just went and got it.
there are still a few things sacred around here, it seems.

(quite a few things, it seems. and that's a very.very. good thing.)

more soon.
xo,
tt

2011-12-05T16:29:00.001-05:00

i was going to write about this roll of film i shot, and took into the crappy one-hour in town. but it was boring, even to me.

so here are some shots of my kitchen, that i took and got developed on sunday.

more soon. hopefully (for both of us) something more interesting.

xo,
tt

hi from sunday night. (hi from bed, again.)

2011-12-04T20:41:00.000-05:00

so, the sad, happy truth is that we go to bed wicked early.
i've been thinking lately, obtusely,
that i'll "stay up all night" and "get some stuff done."

but.

how it goes is, we make tea, we finish up on the computers,
we make sure the cats are in. (i can hear the boys laughing right now. CATSAREINTARA!)
(i love those boys more than they know...)

and then, we go upstairs, and we read and draw and get cozy and the girls come back and forth,
even making their way back downstairs to get a bowl of cereal, a slice of pie...

and then they come in and we find three or four of us in bed, and maybe a cat or two, and we finish up the day that way. just the way we most likely did when they were little. just us all.

just together.

it's not like that all day long, all the time, everyday.

but we seem to find our way to together when the week is done.

best wishes.
xo,
tt

this is pretty funny/ironic, because i don't even like red roses.

2011-12-02T18:28:00.003-05:00

but,
happy friday.

i cut this last one, leaning out of my office window this morning, and it's pretty darn pretty,
even if i do have a thing against red roses.

more soon. film is in at the shop!
and a nice quiet weekend.
and yes.
enjoy, my friends.

xo,
tt

our sweet boring ordinary days. i'm longing for those, and am trying to reclaim them.

2011-11-30T21:53:00.000-05:00

also? trying my darndest to relax into the season.
proud of myself when i fold a load of laundry.
obsessively have a big pot of soup on the stove at all times.
don't even call it dinner. still make dinner, but the soup is just gravy, so to speak.
am saving up to buy more little white lights.
am in love with the idea and the prospect and the promise of a new month.
am in love with my daughters every time they walk in the room.
love how in the middle of the night we seek each other out and hold on like we're falling.
am looking forward to the cold coming, but know the complaining will come soon after.
completely forgot to pick anna up today, and got lucky in that she went to a friend's house after school.
(for the first time this year. both the forgetting and the friend's house...)
spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what i can wear to the parties that we're starting to get invited to. that's a vain ugly truth. but really. don't you? or is it just me?
on my wish list this year is: a close-up kit for my polaroid, and an emergency brake for my car.

wow.

ok.
so,
'night.

more soon.
xo,
tt

shamelessly jumping on the cyber monday bandwagon.

2011-11-28T14:27:00.000-05:00

over in our etsy shop, from today through the end of the year, we're offering free shipping within the united states.

and, if there's anything of mine that you like and don't see in the shop, send me an e-mail, and i'll see if i can have it printed up for you in time for holiday giving (or keeping.)

ok.
enjoy the day!

xo,
tt

hi, again.

2011-11-27T11:44:00.000-05:00

sunday morning breakfast outside, and hanging some more lights, and getting the christmas decorations down from the attic, and putting a big pot of something on the stove, and looking at the last of the leaves on the ground in the park through cut-out paper snowflakes hanging in the office window.

and feeling alright. feeling good.

everything i love at arm's reach.

enjoy this sunday.
xo,
tt

2011-11-26T22:52:00.000-05:00

that's right, i'm in bed.
waiting for tim to return from a fourth trip to white plains for a single party for a teen-aged girl.
i'm waiting out the three big girls; to finish in the bathroom, to finish talking and walking back and forth between each other's rooms. what the heck are they doing? i know it may make sense if i were out there, watching them. but from in here, it seems as if they're doing laps. or switching the entire contents of each other's rooms one item at a time.

tonight, a fire out back. the perfect, perfect temperature for such a thing.
and a few friends were kind enough to come by, and the kids ended up out there in the beginning, and then again, in the end. us in and up, washing up and tucking little one in.
and i could hear them talking down there through the bathroom window, and see the fire being stoked and then dying again.

and then they came up.

and that's where i am now. up here in bed, waiting. listening and typing. and should be sleeping, but i think writing is better than another episode of the office. even if the writing is of the lazy, tired, self-indulgent kind.

and waiting. i strung a few lights tonight. and i keep putting my nose in the air, figuratively, trying to conjure up the elusive scent of whatever it is that puts me in the mood for these days before the holidays.

and i'm both surprised by how long it's been since i've found it, and how sure i am that i will once more.

the triumph of hope over experience.

(don't they say that about something else???)

more soon. as much for me as anyone.

xo,
tt

the start of it all.

2011-11-22T21:59:00.000-05:00

so, hi.

yeah, these are pictures of me juicing up anna on espresso. but it was a very nice evening out to celebrate her grandma's birthday.

i know i've been missing in action here. and in action is just where i've been.
on the figurative front lines.
but of course, not really.

i try to remember this.
that with all my worries and troubles-
and they are many and real-
they are also not the end of the world.
i still have so much to be grateful for,
and i've lost my perspective on that lately,
a bit.

but maybe, fresh off of the first few celebrations of a season of many,
i am starting to turn my head towards the good around me, again.

i think the best way to do that is to see this season through the eyes of a twelve-year-old who hums christmas tunes in her sleep, practically. or a fifteen-year-old who shows me time and again what it is to be strong and graceful all at once. or a six-year-old who knows each and every christmas decoration from memory, and tells me "now that it's christmastime, we can just be happy."

although that may have been the espresso talking.

more soon.
i promise myself.

xo,
tt

at our table, lately. (and one table at the house of a friend.)

2011-11-15T18:16:00.000-05:00

hi from sunday night, and...

2011-11-13T21:34:00.000-05:00

hi.
i hear noises from the dishwasher that make me fear there's a child crying somewhere in the house.

and then lindsey comes in and hugs me and walks upstairs with yet another clementine (the first box of the season) and assures me that if anna was crying, i'd know it.

i spent hours today cooking. it seems to be the one thing that i can do these days that both completely absorbs me and that i can do right.

tonight i made my friend tara's eggplant and onion and goat cheese tart. it was one of the more ambitious tasks i've undertaken recently. but i was inspired and it was worth it.
i can not wait for tomorrow when i get to eat the leftovers.

and i sent some home to the city with my niece, along with some potato leek soup.

and then tim and i cleaned up the kitchen, and set the house right again.
tucked anna in-i'm pretty sure tim is back up there now, asleep next to her warm little body.

and i can hear the big girls giggling and arguing alternately.
but they're home. and they're done with their day.
and they will most likely come downstairs two and three and four more times before i realize that they are just not going to bed until i am tonight.

and so i am. tonight.

and best wishes to you all.

xo,
tt

random photos which somehow come together by virtue of a camera, the film in it, and the ever-changing light of november.

2011-11-10T17:24:00.000-05:00

xo,
tt

hi from sunday night.

2011-11-06T20:27:00.000-05:00

1.
what i write right now will be so different than what i write in fifteen minutes.
right now, i am waiting.
for the arrival of my two first girls.

2.
ok, so now they're here. like a stampede of really pretty horses. they trample upon the peace of the house without them, and now it is a completely different place.

3.
but they hug me when they come in. and then they spill out a jumbled embarrassment of information, before falling right back into their spaces here.

4.
and now, a half an hour later, or more, it's quiet. they're settled back into their rooms, their beds, their home.

5.
and i breathe a little easier and worry more, all the same.

best wishes on sunday night.
xo,
tt

2011-11-02T19:42:00.001-04:00

how about if i just like this photo?

if i just stepped outside the morning after
and found his boots there,
and love the way he left them standing.

did he turn away from the door
to hold on to the doorknob as he heeled them off?

was he watching something out in the yard?

did he wear them inside, and then realizing a few muddy steps into the kitchen,
turn around, take them off,
and leave them facing away from the scene of the misdemeanor?

in any event.
i love the boots.
i love the tones.

i love tim.

xo.
tt.

2011-11-01T11:43:00.000-04:00

there's a small window of time in which we can use and enjoy our outdoor fireplace.
it's got to be cold enough to make the heat compelling, but warm enough to make sitting outside for any length of time-fire or not-reasonable.

last weekend i was bored and uninspired until i saw a photo of a friend's dinner party, outside! on a dock, on a pond in vermont!
and i suddenly was gripped by the realization that if i didn't seize that very night to gather with friends and enjoy this weather i've been pining for, i would miss it.

(little did i know how right i was! the next weekend we'd have a snow storm!)

i rallied tim and summoned (begged? coerced? perhaps...) some friends and assembled some snacks.

and loaded the pentax. i shot a whole roll that weekend, and have another going now. i've missed that camera. i've been so infatuated with polaroid that it's been a bit neglected.

these shots remind me why i love it so.

enjoy today. and happy november!
here we go...

xo,
tt

2011-10-31T22:13:00.000-04:00

so perhaps i'd be asleep right now, except that we've three fifteen-year-olds out with a few friends of the same vintage, out in town for the rocky horror picture show.

i sent them off with full bellies and strict instructions and participation kits full of rocky horror props (toast! cards! toilet paper! rice! party hats! rubber gloves! (?))

and the littles are bathed and tucked in. and oh sweet lord if i could only stop eating smarties and finish this mug of tea, i'd be not here blogging at all, but fast asleep.

except that i need to stay awake waiting for those fifteen-year-olds.
and i really need to brush my teeth.

happy halloween.

xo,
tt

hi from sunday night::

2011-10-30T17:30:00.000-04:00

finally shot a roll with the pentax last weekend. will be sharing them here the next day or two.
they are each a little bit of what our days have been around here, lately.

or rather, what they were before we were covered in late october snow.
heavy, wet, branch-breaking snow. we lost the lilac in the driveway.
part of a dogwood.
more of the japanese maple in the front yard.

but it was more than a little beautiful while it lasted.

enjoy sunday night. i do love sunday nights.

more soon.
xo,
tt

friday happiness::

2011-10-28T18:39:00.006-04:00

let's do this thing: (a little late in the day...)

this most perfect of fall days was sullied not at all by an angry teenybopper in the morning, and sick kitty to the vet later on, traffic on the way back from the market, at which i had to make some hard decisions, budget-wise. but the girls want sushi night tomorrow, and frankly, sushi night is not the high-ticket item it is when you go out for sushi. we can do this quite nicely, at home.
and the grumpy girl came back home finding mama alseep-still recovering from this dreadful insult-to-injury headcold-and she cuddled up like the baby she was, looking pink cheeked and radiant. and, frankly, beautiful. and happy.

i wrote my girls notes yesterday telling them a few good things that perhaps get drowned out when said in the same stream as "take your cleats off and wash your hands and what's the homework situation."
and one thing i had to say is yes, you happy makes me happy. but please don't ever pretend. it's a fine line, i know. i know all too well. about being pleasing and having a good attitude.
well, hell. i stake my life on it, don't i? that's what this space is all about, after all, in a sense.

but i don't ever want a girl of mine to think she has to put a face on.

you know?

::

so, friday happiness.
all the messy hard wonderful minute-by-minute damage control and joy that occurs in the course of any friday. any day.

that's what makes me happy.

::

and thus. good night.
more soon.
xo,
tt

sort of like when an actor looks at the camera and addresses the audience directly.

2011-10-27T17:15:00.003-04:00

hi.

i think i need to look at the camera and say a word about comments.

i'd been having a hard time knowing what to do. i read and think about every single comment that comes in. and frankly, it's not like there are so many...but enough.
but then there were some that i wasn't so sure about. not so sure that i needed to give voice to in this, my own very personal space. so i would post most of the wonderful caring kind thoughtful ones. and leave those other ones out.
and then i thought i'd maybe just stop writing here at all.
but you know,
i can't really help myself.
and i do get so much encouragement and warmth from all the good words that come back to me here.

and so.
i decided what i'd do is leave comments open, but stop posting them.
and so that's what i've been doing. but maybe, since i didn't put anything on the sidebar, or something like that, it's not clear that i read them. or why i don't publish them.

i sort of feel that it's like you're writing to me. having a conversation with me. and yes, one of the BEST things about blogs sometimes is the community and sharing that comes from and within the comments. but maybe not here? i'm not really sharing much information, after all. it's all pretty personal.

so i read them all. and it makes me feel like i've heard from a friend. someone who heard what i had to say and had something to say about it. and that's good.

so there it is.

also, one very important piece to this all:
blogger-oh, blogger, blogger, blogger...-does not give me your e-mail!!! maybe you don't realize this? or it's some setting i don't have enabled or something? but unless i know your e-mail already, if you send me a comment and i would like to respond, i can't.
well, with some of you, i could follow your profile to your web page and hunt down your e-mail or comment on a post of yours.

but i have to be honest. i just don't have it in me. (and now i'm editing to say-oh!? does that sound awful? but you know what i mean, yes? i'm just trying to fit it all in. and i just have to make choices as we all do about how much time i can give to anything other than the essential... and on and on. i mean this all nicely.)

so please! please. if you send me a comment with your e-mail instead of your blogger profile? (and i really don't even know if it's a different sign in or whatever...)then there is an almost 100% better chance that i could, you know, send you a line and say:

hi.
thanks so much for being here. for your kind words. for taking the time to read what i have to say, to look at what i have to show you. for making me feel that i'm doing something worthwhile. not just for me, but for maybe just one somebody else. thanks.

or something like that. because that's what i feel.

so, hi.
thanks so much for being here.

more soon.
xo,
tt

"it's just the normal noises in here." ***

2011-10-26T19:47:00.000-04:00

callie is fifteen; so are kt & jo. they'll be sixteen first. next april.
we're thinking about letting (making? suggesting? not sure...) them go see the rocky horror picture show at the music hall this saturday at 11:30pm.
we've said no to so much this year.
we're hoping they'll appreciate this yes (or please go! don't you want to? don't you know about this?).

lindsey is twelve, and tim and anna are knocking on the bathroom door.
"why can't she come in to brush her teeth?" he asks. "why does she need to wait?"

i need to step in. yell up. let her be. anna can wait. read to her first, then teeth.

twelve. twelve deserves some privacy from six.

have i mentioned that abby can stand on her hind legs at the kitchen door and ring the prayer bell when she wants to go out???

our doors and windows are closed tonight. closed, even, for most of the day. it's a hard adjustment for me. i feel shut in. closed off. i have to get up every four minutes or so. walk around. peer out to the park and check on the girls.

but tonight, it feels safe and i'm glad to have who is here, here. i wish there were more of us.

it never feels quite right, when there is not all of us.
it's not easy when there's all of us.
and it is most certainly not quiet.

but that's one of the losses, one of the gains.
we are never quite right, no matter what the combination.
some of us are always missing someone.

but all of us always have someone near us to love.

more soon.
xo,
tt

***how old are you? i'm forty-four. so this means something to me.

file under: shameless self-promotion. see also: not my strong point.

2011-10-25T11:02:00.000-04:00

hello friends.

out of my, er...comfort zone here. but i just want to mention that i've added some new prints to our etsy shop. i'm pretty proud of them, so at the very least, i'd love it if you'd check it out and say something nice about them.

and while you're there...if you have any thoughts about what images might be worthwhile to make prints of, i'd really appreciate the feedback.

ok,
enough of that.

more soon.
xo,
tt

2011-10-24T20:33:00.000-04:00

i do not sleep from three am until six am and then i'm up before everyone cheerily making breakfast and then, later, i collapse while anna sits practically on top of me writing and talking and singing and i'm sleeping like the dead and then i get up again and once again am cheerily making dinner.

it occurred to me suddenly and violently this afternoon that this is not a good way to live.

also: i would like a new dress and would like to do yoga.

also: i count myself lucky because of all of the incredibly inspirational people i call friends around me who keep me from sinking into self pity.

also: i made french toast last week with garam masala instead of cinnamon. by accident, obviously. not a good accident. obviously.

also: i can not stop watching avett brothers videos on youtube today.

also: lindsey is sitting next to me just now eating a waffle with syrup. it's about, i'd say, her third meal since she's been home at five-thirty tonight. (the first of which was chicken parmesan.)

and: callie.

and: oh.

oh.

tim's over there working and we sat on the couch for about ten minutes tonight in between making dinner and serving dinner and cleaning up from dinner. i find more and more we're not spending any down time outside of bed in the morning, and bed at night. the rest of the day one or both of us are working doing fixing.

and we need to be creating. just as some people need to breathe or eat, we need that other thing, that other food that feeds us. that thing that makes us feel that we're being our selves.

and that's a hard thing to put on a list that includes kids and money and house and family and on and on.

but we need it.

and we're lucky that we both need it and both know that we both need it.

we're lucky for that.

and lots.

more soon.

xo,
tt

hi from sunday night.

2011-10-23T21:59:00.000-04:00

a trip up the river,
down the river.

all the way up i was excited to get there.
all the way back i couldn't wait to get home.

my heart is twisting up into itself a little bit more everyday.
but i think these photos are beautiful.

and i do know everything is going to be alright.
i do.
for all of us.

xo,
tt

they get grainier as the night progresses. perhaps our night does, as well.

2011-10-18T20:38:00.000-04:00

just photos again.

not sure what to say right now.

soon.

thanks for being here.

xo,
tt

hi from sunday night.

2011-10-16T19:21:00.000-04:00

more quiet.
more photos.

more,
soon.

xo,
tt

friday happiness::

2011-10-14T16:01:00.001-04:00

i absolutely love this time of year.
(i may have mentioned this once or twice before.)

best wishes to you all for a wonderful weekend.

xo,
tt

2011-10-13T18:57:00.000-04:00

i have a few minutes here.

dinner is ready. two roasted chickens are waiting. rice is done. broccoli steaming. salad on the table.

four of six have finished homework. picked out tomorrow's clothes.

two are on their way home now, with tim, from a game one town away.

the windows are dark and i can catch myself walking through the rooms,
see the candles lit and watch myself approach the livingroom with my glass of wine.

i took a walk with a friend this morning: or rather, she took me for a walk. she walks.
i didn't even take my camera out of the car because i knew there'd be no stopping for every wet leaf and dewy field.
and it was right.
we talked and listened and i didn't stop and take a picture, but i did notice.
the trees have turned since just last weekend. i brought home a branch, which is now in a vase.

also today: i took care of so many little things that had been piling up and clouding my brain.
this felt good.

i made a girl or two happy.
hopefully more of the same to come this evening.

i hear voices in the driveway and cleats on the front steps.
and so our evening begins.

take care.
xo,
tt

2011-10-11T20:51:00.000-04:00

black and white weekend at bantam lake.

more soon.

xo,
tt

and that's how it goes.

2011-10-08T10:31:00.001-04:00

it's saturday morning,
and a couple of girls are still sleeping,
and one is off with a friend.

tim is most likely on the way back from a walk to the bank.

we had breakfast together. just us two.
and made our way through nearly an entire baguette-
his dunked in egg and milk and fried up,
mine ripped right off and open and spread with butter.

and the whole day is ahead of us.
the whole beautiful, perfect day.

i thought i'd just stop here and say hey.
i started the week out well enough,
and then disappeared,
and here it is, all of a sudden saturday.

so,
hey.

i see the man himself coming back up the street now.
time to get moving.

best wishes to you for a really, very good day.

more soon.
xo,
tt

this is my day.

2011-10-03T11:33:00.000-04:00

october third.

every year...oh...about august first?
i start to yearn. just a little.
i push it out of my mind.
try to keep focused.

but it keeps tickling the back of my neck,
until i am full on in the throes of longing.

and for three or four (or five?) weeks,
my body is in the now
but my heart is waiting
for what i've randomly but persistently deemed
the perfect day
when it will all come together-
weather and wardrobe and food-
and be fall.

october third.

hello, love.
what should we do today?

more soon.
xo,
tt

friday happiness::

2011-09-30T21:29:00.000-04:00

apple picking this year was not a complete slam-dunk for all ages. and i'm ok with that.
it's finally cool enough to wear a sweater. hot damn.
my husband is making me a pizza. 'nuf said. (and that's not a euphemism for anything.)
the picture in my head of my daughter and the boy asleep on each other's shoulders in the back of the car on the way home from the orchard will warm my heart for years to come.

let your friends talk. i'm such a talker, but i really like to shut up and listen. because that's when i learn about the people i love.

i do now think that red wine tastes better out of good glasses. my go-to glass is an upcycled bon maman jar, but now that i've had a glass of ten dollar wine out of a proper glass, i concede.

holy sleeplessness, am i a worry-er!

but tonight,
i've got a pizza-making husband (maybe that is a euphemism after all...) and a sweater on, and a gentle rain and a weekend ahead.

hot damn.

xo,
tt

when you write out the word wednesday, do you still say it wed nes day to get it right?

2011-09-28T19:57:00.002-04:00

xo,
tt

every day the best part is when we all go to bed.

2011-09-27T20:16:00.004-04:00

the ups truck stopped one house up just now. oh, please, come one house down and deliver me some film!

he just passed me by. i suppose the new polaroid will have to wait to be tested.

one girl, so happy. so happy after so much uncertainty. the thought of her happy makes me weepy.

one girl going to sleep, finally with out fever.

one girl across the park. please come home. come home on time without me asking. that's all i ask.

the light switch clicks upstairs, and i hear "hey...t? we're ready."

that's my cue.

goodnight all.

xo.
tt

the waiting is the hardest part.

2011-09-26T12:21:00.000-04:00

who knew such an unlikely thing as kale salad would become all i can think of when i'm hungry these days.

dressed with lemon juice, olive oil, salt & pepper.
i've thrown a few radishes in this time.
i think celery would be good, too.
i've been told toasted pine nuts belong in there, and i don't disagree, i just don't have any in the house.

i've also been told that a little massaging of the kale before dressing makes it less bitter.

who wouldn't be?

and it certainly does seem to mellow it out if you let it sit a spell after dressing it.

that's the hard part, though.

if i turn my head right this very second, i can see lunch waiting on the dining room table.

i think it's had just about enough alone time.

::

try it. i didn't believe it could be that good,
and now i can't believe how good it is.

xo,
tt

hi from sunday night.

2011-09-25T19:21:00.000-04:00

it's still too hot.
i while still in bed sense that my day is going to be dictated
by my internal temperature
and the temp outside.

i will run hot.

i dream of cool days when i can wear a scarf and feel
as though i'm framing my face
in a way that is flattering.

am i as happy as i dream of being when it's finally cool?
i sure hope so.

although, i've been a trooper in the heat.
i've matured.

never, perhaps,
have i spoken more amusing words.

can i whisper a truth to you?
i think maturity is a bit over-rated.

i think we're all so damn mature, so serious.

a little bit of inappropriate laughter and uncontrollable nonsense
can do us all well.

::

i look into the eyes every day of too many grown ups who are hurting.
and the kids. well. they seem ok.
we seem to make sure they're securely fastened in,
their oxygen masks are on
before ours.

but.

we need to breathe.
we need to survive all the little crashes.
and the big ones.

we need to be there for them,
whole,
intact.

dare i say
happy?

i dare.

i dare you.
i dare myself.

fasten your seat belt.
and make sure theirs is too.

we can't stop the wreck.
but we can make sure they survive it,
knowing in our bones that
their happiness
was the goal all along.

xo.
tt

friday happiness:: (and some photos from a day in the city.)

2011-09-23T10:33:00.000-04:00

enjoying doug paisley radio on pandora.
(when i leave the room for a little while, tim changes it to starland vocal band radio. not kidding.)

hearing the jingle of the prayer bell we put on our killer kitten's collar. she's pretty irritated with us, but we're saving lives here, people. i almost feel sorry for her.

little girl home with a fever means a bonus day of snuggling and reading charlotte's web in bed. that's got to be worth as much as a day in first grade.

bigger girl still happy this morning about her first field hockey game yesterday.

mums. but too early for pumpkins, i think.

the new shiny red clogs my mother bought me.

a pot of chili on the stove, for later. and the weekend ahead.

enjoy.

xo,
tt

easy is a four letter word.

2011-09-22T20:21:00.001-04:00

just when you've gotten your shit together, (please excuse my french. but really? does "stuff together" do it? thought not.)

just when you've gotten your shit together, you have teenaged daughters. who, frankly, know perfectly well that they need you to wake them up in the morning, and at the least, toast them an english muffin and spread the jelly.
and at the most, make them french toast.
which, when they say yes to french toast, you get all giddy happy and feel like you're the mother of the year. 'cause yes! i made my fifteen year old french toast this morning...
and she ate it!!!!!!!!!

ahem.

anyway.

just when you think you've got your canoe all steady, or whatever.

hello, daughter of mine.

i love you.
and i'm easy.

hug me.
throw me a "nice breakfast and all, mom..."once in a while.

and i'm yours for life.

i'm yours for life.

xo,
tt.

distractable is too a word.

2011-09-21T13:40:00.000-04:00

i've always loved fall best.
and i'm so listless lately,
so distractable and worried.
uninspired.

i just don't want to waste the fall on all of that.
i have to get that scent on my skin,
that feeling in my veins,
(whatever it is.)
that makes fall my favorite.

::

tim insisted we go for a walk this morning after we got the girls off to school.

i'm so glad he did.

i'm going to keep trying to get, to keep, to relish
everything i love
about
now.

xo,
tt

in need of a good cry, and in lieu of that...

2011-09-20T20:31:00.002-04:00

i, stumbling onto a random sample of old photos, present:

callie, on the u.p.::

callie, linds, newborn anna::

we celebrated her birthday monthly for the first year::

me, lindsey, emily. coming home from playing in "china" (the empty field by the lakes.)

em; linds and callie had matching scarves and hats, which quickly were handed down:

tim taught them all to skate. the milk crate method works wonders.

at the bronx botanical garden::

tim, little:

me, little. on edna's shoulder:

tim, anna, in hudson::

me, in tivoli, ny. (our wedding anniversary is may eight. )

xo,
tt

note to self on a monday night::

2011-09-19T20:12:00.002-04:00

if you make a nice big pot of lentil soup,
and good fresh garlic bread,
and cucumber salad,
and apple crumble...

the kids will most likely some of them walk into town and get a slice of pizza,
and some of them stay at the neighbors' for chinese food.

just saying.

but fall has just begun.
and there's no end to my tenacious love of fall cooking.

and so...

more soon.
xo,
tt

hi from sunday night.

2011-09-18T20:25:00.000-04:00

never miss an opportunity to look a friend in the eye and tell them you love them.

ok,
so that sounds a little creepy.

and truth be told, no matter how much i love you all,
if every time we looked at each other you held my gaze and told me you loved me.
yeah.

i'd pretty much run and hide.

so what do i mean?

well,
maybe we should just say,
never miss a chance to to be real with your friends.
to connect.
to make contact.

ok. so all of those sound just as new-agey and creepy.
but not.

those, i can stand by.

never miss a chance to be real with your friends.

it's pretty much all we have.

xo,
tt

just when i sit down to write, the phone rings.

2011-09-15T20:40:00.000-04:00

so what i was thinking about just before,
is gone.

that's what's been happening.
one fire sparks,
i put it out.
then another flares up.
i expend all my energy there,
and then what was left after the last one
is lost.
forgotten enough that it doesn't seem to matter anymore.

instead of saying (as i have in the past...) uncle...
i'm rolling with it.

or, as one friend put it,
it's all happening.

what i do know is this::

things are in order here.
mornings are going smoothly.
girls are as happy as girls can be.
and they kiss me goodbye in the morning
and hug me when they come home.
they mess up sometimes and so do we.
but they also laugh and fight and sing and at the end of the day
are here making messes
and making a beautiful, messy family out of us all.

and yes.
i can barely keep up.
but i am.
just barely.
and i fail so miserably at times;

last night, little miss a. was so out of control, so tired and done,
screaming and kicking-so unusual for her, really,
that finally,
i just up and slapped her on her bottom.

she was tired and it's all too much.

but there's that moment that you realize that all the
"what choice do you want to make, sweetie?"
and "i'm going to count to three..."
just.doesn't work.

so i swatted her cute little bottom,
picked her up,
brought her upstairs and gave her a bath.

you would have thought i was scalding her from the screams.

when she was all clean and dry and i brushed her beautiful little growing-out pixie,
she looked in the mirror, and said "will you do my hair like this tomorrow?"

and thusly,
all was right with the world.

except, that is,
i felt miserable for that bottom slapping.

and always will.

but.
i think...
oh.

whatever.

i'll think forever on it.

best wishes.
xo,
tt

*and a note about comments...i'm undecided about what to do here. i've kept them open, and read every one. but i'm not publishing them. not really sure why. feel like you're writing to me, and don't want to publish them. i do appreciate every word you take the time to write me, though.
and i'm awful about responding. i'm so sorry.

about my father::

2011-09-13T20:28:00.000-04:00

he is 85 years old.
he is handsome.
he told me to never wear pink and red together,
but that greens and browns always go together.
i'm pretty sure he owns absolutely no black clothing.
he used to wear black penny loafers as his casual shoes,
when he wasn't in golf shoes, that is.
he learned to braid in the navy,
and used to braid my hair,
and taught me how to braid.
he also taught me how to make an omelet,
although he would fry them up in leftover bacon fat
and lie about it.
say it was "oleo"
which is some sort of defunct word for margarine,
which is some sort of code for "fake butter."
he taught me to love words.
if you think that is glossy romantic rhetoric,
you'd be mistaken.
he taught me to love words.
he is not easy.
i'm not easy, and when i'm self-loathing about not being easy,
i pretty much blame it on my father.
he used to go shopping for clothes with me twice a year when i was little(er)
and he would sit in a chair and charm the salesladies and read the paper
and then buy me whatever he thought looked good on me.
(and one or two things i wanted that he didn't really like.
this alone may be the most loving gesture he'd ever made; letting me buy something he didn't think was flattering on me but that i really wanted.)

he raised me with the same expectations and generosity that he had for my four brothers,
and i'm pretty sure i let him down at every turn.

but yet.

this man.
what he does for me. quietly, surely, discreetly, and with much charm and humor.
this man.
loves me.

and i love him.

family is not a choice. it's a given. and a gift.

so what's my point?
well, i spent the day with my father.
i'm forty four.
when's the last time i spent the day with my father?
alone.
not sure.

but.
he was who i needed today.
and he was there.

i'm a lucky (old) girl.

ok.
xo.
tt.

so, i've been waiting.

2011-09-11T19:57:00.001-04:00

yes.
i've been waiting. for the right time.
tim's been working on something for me.
i've some irons in the fire.

i've been waiting,
for that's how i like it.
how i like things.

let's start clean.
let's wait until i've a new site,
something new to say.

i've been waiting.

but.

tonight, i need to talk.
i need to write.

tonight.

::

i've done hopeful forward looking things
such as baking and making granola.
talking to friends i'd thought i wouldn't, again.
mopping the floor.
setting the table for tomorrow night's big family dinner.

but,
i've also sat, half under our bed
with a plastic box opened up,
photos spilled everywhere,
and tears running
running
running
without much reason for starting
or stopping.

i've sat with a box full of yesterdays,
and it's both totally foreign and far away,
and right next to me,
like an article i stopped reading in the middle,
but always felt bad about not finishing.

today.
is a big day.
for all of us.

it was both the end and the beginning of so many things.
for all of us.

but,
for me.

well.
just like for you.

today
is.

more.
when i can.

thanks so much for your patience.

xo.
tt

2011-08-25T19:55:00.002-04:00

more soon. soonish.

but perhaps not here.

i'll let you know.

thanks for reading.

xo,
tt

hi from sunday.

2011-08-21T16:42:00.005-04:00

xo,
tt.

friday happiness::

2011-08-19T11:45:00.000-04:00

a girl back from camp, soon.

friends back from vacation,
family coming in to visit, soon.

the weekend, here. now.

enjoy.

more, soon.
xo,
tt

2011-08-17T18:40:00.000-04:00

well,
we-tim and i-are home alone with callie tonight.
callie of the newly minted fifteen-year-old variety.

it's a little like hanging out with your boyfriend and your roommate.

except that my boyfriend is out mowing our postage-stamp sized lawn with a push-mower and a pair of hand clippers,
and my roommate is making a smoothie with farmers' market peaches and asking me if back-to-school shopping is "going to happen this year."

we-tim and i-are bagging the whole dinner idea...
i brought the big girls who were here for dinner (the littles are off with nana & pop. one off to camp.) to the market with me.
the wednesday market has pretty wooden cafe tables and lots of prepared food; very upscale.

so we're bagging the veggie burrito idea and instead are making a meal of the best seeded baguettes, and all the leftover cheeses in the fridge, (please forgive the image of leftover cheeses; we're talking about fresh mozzarella, and some marinated goat cheese, etc...)
new pickles and sun-dried tomatoes, cucumbers from our neighbor's garden, last night's pasta.

and,
we-tim and i-are going to coerce callie into watching a movie with us.
not one of her movies. one of ours.

thinking about annie hall. wonder boys. i'm not there. something we've got on disc, can watch on the laptop, out on the newly mown lawn, on a quilt.

she may even end up with an arm around us and a head on our shoulders.

or maybe, we-tim and i-will end up out there looking up at the sky, the light on in her room,
with few dishes to do, and just one not-quite-child, not-quite-roommate, tucking herself in for the night.

right now, i'm not sure which i would prefer.

both.

xo,
tt

hi from sunday night.

2011-08-14T20:12:00.001-04:00

the perfect cool rain breezes through windows and finally,
even tim will say yes to a cup of tea in the afternoon.

a hint of what is to come.

i don't want to rush things, but.

rain gives you the out to say no to hikes and yardwork.
yes to a quick walk around the park,
and cleaning out a cupboard.
visiting.
baking something.

the most peaceful few minutes of my week were spent alone,
in a neighbor's garden.
picking more tomatoes than i brought back home.
just moving around in the quiet and the scent of leaves and ground.

girls come home today,
and fight and tease and shout all the way down the road
from nana and pop's.
but once home, disappear and delve into projects of their own devising.
and walking the neighbors' dog.
and making our dinner, complete with the table set; fork on the left? right?

still cool breezes and candles lit now,
and really nothing to stay up for, but too soon to tuck in yet.

just about perfect.

and one of the last weeks of this long, quick summer begins.

best wishes.
xo,
tt

friday happiness::

2011-08-12T17:35:00.001-04:00

i am really a sucker for polaroid.
i love all sorts of cameras and film.
but polaroid literally makes my heart beat a little faster.
is that weird?

oh, well.

enjoy the weekend.
xo,
tt

a bunch of photos from new hampshire, that have nothing to do with what i'm thinking about.

2011-08-10T22:58:00.000-04:00

i'm embarrassed to say that i think the origin of the phrase that i've been most pondering lately may be an issue of oprah's magazine that my mother pilfered from the incinerator closet in her apartment building.

but, nonetheless,
inspiration and ideas are sparked from all sorts of random flint, and thus:

the gist is that certain deeply held ideas and beliefs are like icebergs:
so far beneath the surface and frozen in place, that it takes years for them to melt.
and even more so, that their melting is never even a consideration.
they just are.
this has haunted me since i read it, for surely, much of my life is dictated by icebergs.

things that are not even in play. not even questioned.
everything else is manipulated around the fact of these certain things.

i've had enough of that bullshit.

too many people, years, girls, worries.

enough.

one of the basic premises of our life just doesn't work for me anymore.
and so, one day,
i walked to the bottom of our driveway, waved hello, and smiled.

::

the bottom line. (oh, so you're a bottom line sort of man. i like that. says henry fonda in on golden pond.)
the bottom line is,
we've girls to raise,
girls we love.
and so,
the iceberg melts.
if even just a little.

try it. it doesn't hurt nearly as much as all that cold did for all those years.

more soon.
xo,
tt

august 8, 1996.

2011-08-08T09:44:00.000-04:00

that was a good day.
really, that's what i remember thinking, afterwards. that night in the hospital.
it was a really good day.

you know, when you're having your first baby, it's all so unknown.
i just had no idea what was about to happen or how i was possibly going to get through it.
just no idea.

anyway. then there she was. and it just clicked. right. i can do this, after all.

::

you should see her now. well, you do. there she is.

and look at her.

so much me in her, especially in that third picture. when i saw that up on my screen the first time, it stopped me in my tracks.
something about her eyes in that one is just about what i see when i look in the mirror.

but of course, she ain't me. she's ALL her.

and she's awesome, and i love her more than she can possibly understand right now.

but that's ok. she will, some day.

for now, i'll just hang on as much as i can, glad to be along for the ride.

callie,
fifteen.
love.

xo,
tt

friday happiness:: with lots of punctuation.

2011-08-05T17:18:00.000-04:00

last night, we went out.

if you know brooklyn well, you're probably scratching your head.
yes, that's the triboro bridge we came in on.
(does that view ever become not stunning?)
and yes, there we are in greenpoint.
(walked around, browsed a thrift store.)
and then yep. that's us at vinegar hill house.
the three of us.
(in the garden!)
(coke in a bottle, and a bottle of beer, and a bandol rose and a cheese plate.)
(and then they put the lights on!)
and then to red hook, to pick up tim's mom.
(sorry for the late notice, but so glad it worked. love you.)
caveats to me about frankies not being the cheap red-sauce joint i envisioned...
but, onward.
onward to frankies, and an "hour's wait."
one drink in a dreamy little outdoor alcove
and alas,
a table materialized.
(in the garden!)
more soda, more beer, more wine.
(caesar salad, homemade pasta.)
and the lights were on,
and a little magical.
anna sort of asleep on my lap, at last.

then back home, across the brooklyn bridge,
up the fdr.
bridges sparkling like lit-up pearls,
looking just as i remember them
sleepy in the back seat
when i was six.

the best night i can remember in a long time.

and that's saying something.

::

and tonight,
girls.

girls home soon.

best wishes.

xo,
tt

the light's different these days, don't you think?

2011-08-03T19:31:00.000-04:00

and we are fine. we're finding each other and a few others. in lieu of the big girls.
who are all scattered.

but they're back soon. even earlier than planned,
because we do that now.
they do that now.
they make their own plans.

they want to come home,
here,
early.

ok by us.

this little one?
she'll be ready for them.
and they, her.

and me?
all of them.

but i'm going to soak up and use up every minute from now until then.

until they're all back here.

back home.

hi.

xo,
tt

2011-08-02T11:01:00.002-04:00

i wrote a little something for leya, to give her a blogging break while she and her two cute boys (husband + baby) move from philadelphia to durham, north carolina.
her introduction made me blush! she's one sweet, beautiful lady.
please go pay a visit to curious bird.

(all of the photos there and here were taken one hot day last month in new hampshire.)

more soon.
xo,
tt

truth is,

2011-08-01T21:11:00.002-04:00

here i am, and i'm forty four, but i feel like i'm twenty six.

truth is,
i barely sleep when my girls are home; but this week, when they are gone,
as worried as i am about them, particularly this year, when they are gone,
i've been sleeping like i'm dead.
night, i've barely been drinking water.
where as if you knew me,
or slept next to me,
you'd know that i down a half gallon of water during the course of the night.

when i wake up with two full quarts of water on my bedside table,
i know i've had a good night sleep.

truth is,
i miss them.
the girls, not the quarts of water.

lots.

i miss the boys, too. they're around, but they don't come around so much,
when the girls are gone.

i just heard a bark and some flipflops slapping on the street outside,
and thought maybe they were coming to visit.
but...

they'll all be back, soon enough.
and they'll hug me and fight me and play me, as they do.

and i'll love them, and manage them, and play them, as i do.

truth is,
i'll love them.
as i do.

xo,
tt

morning, noon, night.

2011-07-28T17:59:00.000-04:00

more soon.

xo,
tt

2011-07-27T10:10:00.001-04:00

hi.
we've been home two nights now.
and home is hard.
but home is also the only place i know
that really means anything to me.

i've been holding onto tim as if i might lose my footing,
just like when we were hiking in the mountains.

i cry when i hang up the phone after talking to my parents,
partially out of relief, somewhat out of shame:
i feel i'm being chastised, always.
like a child who just doesn't ever get it quite right.

and yet i'm still loved.

two of my girls are gone for a while
and it almost physically hurts to think of them.

i can scarcely keep my hands off of little miss.
i think she feels my neediness and isn't quite sure of me because of it.

i need to pull it together.

i'll keep holding on to tim, in case i lose my footing.

and there are flowers, and it is summer, and there are friends.

and home.

more soon.
xo,
tt

friday happiness::

2011-07-22T23:36:00.000-04:00

just under the wire, but this pretty much sums it up. (callie and tim are up here now. so. yeah.)

xo,
tt

the things i took away from the day.

2011-07-20T21:52:00.000-04:00

i showed restraint in several antique stores.
i grabbed anna whenever she was in hand's reach. she's growing away from me this summer.
lindsey still holds my hand when we walk around town.
talking to people always yields positive results.
i love to cook; plan, shop, prepare, present, clean up. the whole shebang.
when a gentleman of ninety plus years offers to do the dishes, you let him.
i miss my husband.
i'm swimming in the visceral pleasure of having my daughters sleep near me, again.
i miss my husband.
two dollars is a reasonable amount to spend on an item in a junk store.
five dollars better be a treasure.
ten dollars means one of us is nuts.
i love cool nights.
i can survive warm days, after all.
and,
the biggest luxury of all is to just spend a day doing pretty much nothing.

more soon.
xo,
tt

i know that you are reading tonight, so i want you to see that things are beautiful for us, here.

2011-07-19T21:11:00.001-04:00

and i can't wait to see you and my girl on friday.

xo,
me,
tt

missing you isn't such a bad thing, after all.

2011-07-19T02:43:00.000-04:00

i wake and am not sure which room i am in.
but i am here,nonetheless.

next to me is the warm, supple body
of a baby who is growing.
she is twelve.
she has a mind all her own, unknown to me.
unknowable, really.

the thought that comes easily
is of sleeping with my mother,
my father, away.
always, it seemed.

me, sleeping. sleepily listening
to one sided transatlantic conversations
at three am.
the other side unknown to me.
unknowable, really.

::

today a woman appeared,visiting, on the porch
here in this house that's not mine.

i heard her shuffling,
awkwardly, slowly
around the corner.

when she rounded
and saw me,
she seemed unsurprised
to come upon a stranger to the house,
and sat down in the wicker
next to me
as though it were i
she had come to visit.

we immediately fell
into tender, familiar
conversation.

she reached out and held
my hand at intervals.
she reached up and touched
the skin of my face.

she cried when she saw the book i was reading.

she said:
it seems we have a lot in common.

she said:
oh, what a life you've had.
i can see it in your eyes.

she said:
i live in the yellow house with the yellow barn,
if you're out walking.

i said i would be.

::

no wonder i woke just now,
not knowing if this warm body next to me
belongs to my mother, my daughter.
today i saw that we are all the same woman.
this woman i met here on the porch
knew how to talk to me,
for we are all the same.
we know things.
we know that it is hard.
we know what we love.
we know even in the fog of the last years of our lives
that all of these years make up who we are.

i knew her and she knew me.
we are all the same.
unknowable, really.

::

hi from up here in the north.
xo,
tt

checking out. (for a little while.)

2011-07-16T18:14:00.000-04:00

heading north for a while. might check in here and post a photo or two, if the circumstances allow.

but, maybe not. reserving the option to check out altogether.
pretty sure when i come back i'll be well rested and reinvigorated.
i love where i'm going.
that's a good feeling.

see you soon.
thanks for reading.

xo,
tt

friday happiness::

2011-07-15T19:12:00.000-04:00

there are two things out there, among so many good things, that i need to point out tonight:

heather smith jones' new letterpress venture, blue sparrow press.

and the goodness that is kinfolk.

both pretty much knocked me flat. and then when i got up, i was completely inspired.

as it should be.

happy friday!

xo,
tt

ps:: these photos are from a really nice hour i spent at blue hill cafe yesterday.

well, hello.

2011-07-13T06:56:00.003-04:00

sometimes it's hard to get back into a rhythm here, and the best way i know to fix that is just to say hello.

so hi.

i'm up absurdly early again, but what that means is that i'm alone, and the house is cool, and quiet. first things: open the doors, refill the water bottles, feed the cats, make a pot of tea, chug a glass of tomato juice, start the computer up.

yeah, i know. that last one there. i've been spending more time away from not just here, but everywhere online. it feels good.
but still. have to check in first thing in the morning. see if anything momentous happened overnight.

anyway.

::

my geraniums and vinca look as healthy as can be in the window box; i bought a bunch of herbs and some sweet potato plants at the union square market last week: i ripped out the leggy pansies in front, and tim put the new plants in.

the cutting bed he made is in full swing;
the other day at the market, anna asked if we could buy flowers and i looked at her incredulously.
are you kidding?
she was.
no shortage of flowers around this house right now.

::

i think the word jerk is underused. there are a lot of uglier, more fashionable things to say about a deserving someone, but really, are any of them better than jerk?

::

i'm going out for tacos tonight with two of my favorite people, and i can not wait. these people make me laugh, for real. and tacos. enough said.

::

lindsey and anna are sleeping together for the first time in a long time, and i actually stood there and looked at them for a solid two minutes, just soaking it in.
the funny thing is, when anna's sleeping, she looks older to me these days; when lindsey's sleeping, i can see the very baby she was almost a.decade.ago.
that thought right now, those words, a decade ago, just stopped me in my tracks here.

::

obviously, i've recently learned how to type in italics.

::

and with that, i think i've said hello.

more soon. enjoy the day.
xo,
tt

hi from sunday night.

2011-07-10T21:57:00.001-04:00

a whole lot of happy stuff around here tonight.

xo.
tt

friday happiness::

2011-07-08T07:00:00.000-04:00

high summer.
these are the days that we think about when we think
summer.

what did we picture ourselves doing,
when summer came around?

i'm going to think on it,
and then
i'm going to do it.

::

a teacher in high school once told me something
that rang so corny, and stunk of regret
to seventeen-year-old me.

but i get it. now i get it.

this is not a dress rehearsal.

::

so, what did we picture ourselves doing,
when summer came around?

xo.
tt

HB, TT.

2011-07-07T22:36:00.000-04:00

i love you.

more soon.
tt

2011-07-05T17:08:00.000-04:00

sometimes, when we are particularly low on groceries,
it starts to get to me.

and then i get to it.

i clean out the fridge. check what's leftover, what's got to go.
i clean out the cabinets. ditto.
i clean off the counters, and the shelves, and the stove top.

i find half a bunch of radishes and the last tomato, and that's my late lunch.

i pull a few cans from the top shelf,
and assemble all the ingredients i can come up with
to make a pot of chana masala.
a double batch.

i find a box of brownie mix, and even though we're out of butter,
i use canola oil instead. seems to work just fine. looks ok, at least.
i put the brownies away under a tea towel to save for later.

i slice up a few oranges and make a humongous bowl of popcorn. just salted, this time.
i peel what carrots are in the bottom drawer of the fridge and cut them up;
i'll put them out for the kids before dinner, alongside some hummus left from the other night at the beach club.

i get started early enough to make brown rice,
and find an almost full bag of elbow noodles, just for good measure.

i take out the last pizza dough from the freezer, just in case.
the just in case is just in case somebody extra comes by at dinnertime;
there's just a little sauce left and enough mozzarella (from the same beach club dinner).
i always want to be ready and able to invite that somebody extra to stay.

::

tomorrow there will be a big run to the store, and the wednesday market.
but today, i feel industrious, efficient. satisfied.

i like making do. because really, when i think i've got nothing
and start looking around,
i find
i really have enough.

i really have everything i need.

::

more soon.
xo,
tt

2011-07-04T12:54:00.005-04:00

i'm feeling really lucky and grateful today.

for friends who love me enough to point out when i'm wrong. or where i could do better.
for friends who are spending the whole day getting ready to have the neighborhood over.
for friends who know when to take a gaggle of girls, to cut down on the pre-party boredom.
for friends who i don't see nearly enough, but with whom i can pick up right where we left off.

really lucky.

but man, do i miss those two girls who are elsewhere for the weekend.

here's wishing you all a lot of happiness this holiday.

xo,
tt

perhaps the most narcissistic post i've ever written. ha!

2011-07-03T19:17:00.001-04:00

it is both with embarrassment and comfort that a particular thought struck me tonight.

as i got up from sharing a drink and last night's leftover cooked shrimp, now resurrected via hot cast iron, chopped fresh tomatoes, and so much garlic, pepper, lemon, and white wine that it was really not at all about the shrimp; as i got up from sharing this with tim to go get my camera and start a walk around our postage-stamp sized yard, taking pictures in the sliding light; as words came to me about what we were doing and thinking and how what is going on out there affects how we are feeling; as i walked in here to edit and write and post; it struck me that those of you who know me well enough, or know enough of what i'm reading, or are, simply, of such like-mind that these things become obvious in an instant, will be able to tell what is influencing me at every turn.

clearly, when i wrote the ranting post about how awful living with these feral teens is, some of you must have smiled and nodded and said to yourselves "oh, she must be some hundred twenty odd pages into gabrielle hamilton's book."

and as clearly, when you look at these almost in-the-gloaming photos of our garden and our dinner making, i blush a little, knowing that a handful of you, recalling the shot of my library basket last weekend, will recognize that i'm knee deep into tender.

and while i guard my privacy in erratic, irrational measures, i'm warmed by the thought that maybe-just perhaps-one or two of you think enough of me to figure out how i get to where i go.

that you're on to me.

maybe being noticed is all i ever wanted. you too?

more soon.
xo,
tt

and then all the good stuff.

2011-07-01T08:23:00.002-04:00

friday happiness::

girls sleeping late.
getting up early.
no humidity.
bagels for the first time in weeks.
friends and family in town.
basil growing in the flower bed.
getting through the first week of summer.
a cat who sleeps in the top bunk.
friends who get it.
my new camera!
my mom.
prospects.
big girls who will still sit in your lap. sometimes.
leftovers.
almost grown-up nieces and nephews.
off-key singing as a group.
telling each other about last night's dream.
finding my sharp pencil right where i left it.
handmade cards on our pillows.
july.

come on. try it.
xo,
tt

and then we all went to the vintage auto meet.

2011-06-29T21:42:00.001-04:00

or: sleep deprivation for dummies;
or: have i mentioned that we have six kids?
or: his hand on my back still makes me go all tingly.

i woke up this morning.
we woke up this morning, after being up most of the night.
the kids who were supposed to be in at 12 from across the street
came in
loudly
at 1:15.
and then phones were taken.
and then,
after sleeping for a full hour or so,
tim was awake and pulling on pants.
a full three of the girls were not in their beds.
not in the basement.
not even on the computer for an easy yell.

gone.

tim went peering up at neighbors' houses.
dark.

when we had just about had enough of doing nothing,
they appeared at the back door.
2:45.

::

so by the time i woke up,
i was exhausted.

i came downstairs to a kitchen that had been the arena for
late-night pancake making,
but,
alas,
not late-night pancake cleaning-up.

the floor was even messier than usual.
the kids were wrecked.
there was a tent set up in our back yard.
there were seven newly washed and folded white towels in the bathroom
which by noon were down to two; two were on the floor and
the rest were gone.

i had brought home a gallon of orange juice at 5 pm the night before,
and yet,
despite it being a strict rule in our house: no juice except at breakfast;
before breakfast a full half of the gallon was gone.

the pillows on the livingroom couch were on the floor
and there were flip flops everywhere.

my toothbrush, which i had not yet used at 11 am, was mysteriously wet when i finally got around to and got my turn at using the bathroom.

which had not a single washcloth left.

ok.

so i'm sort of losing it.
and the worst part is, just like being framed for a crime you did not commit,
i'm the pariah here.

oy.

so yes. i'm complaining. i'm whining. i'm going grey and i'm also looking a little pale these days.

teens need sleep. i believe this.
so do forty-four year olds.

i got to work though, and cleaned the whole house. felt so good and clean.
shipped the two littlest ones(who were not grounded), off on the sea of nana and pop-pop.
at long last after finally showering and brushing with that mysteriously wet toothbrush,
i sat in the chair in the shady quiet spot in the front yard, and read. and tried to sleep.
and watched my big girl cross the park barefooted, to walk the neighbors' dog.
and cross back over, and smile and wave at me, stopping to talk on her way back in.

and then i closed my eyes for a bit.

::

and then we all went to the vintage auto meet.

::

more soon.
but first,
sleep.

xo.
tt

it occurs to me that living with all of these girls may be cosmic payback for growing up with all of those boys.

2011-06-28T10:18:00.001-04:00

another night at the river.
with girls.

we often arrive with more than our own,
but come home with fewer than we brought.
or vice versa.

more soon.
things are getting a little out of hand in this house, so i'm going to get to work.

xo,
tt

ps:: cheesey sailboat photo courtesy of tim.

what i do when i'm alone; and then when they are coming home i make cookies, and wait eagerly.

2011-06-26T20:56:00.000-04:00

tim just called and they decided to come back early. late tonight.
i've mixed feelings, i suppose. i was really enjoying being alone.
but i also can't wait to get my hands on them.

more soon.
xo,
tt

friday happiness in the nick of time::

2011-06-24T19:50:00.004-04:00

it's been a full day:
the last day of school,
for the last of us.

camping tomorrow means chaotic packing,
and so much food in the fridge,
and in bags out on the porch.

and yet tonight,
dinner for girls and girls and girls.
not all ours.

we are that house.
you know the one.

if you knew me,
you would know that
being that house
does not come easy.

or rather,
it comes easy enough,
but i follow them around
picking up pieces of muffin and cookie,
of dregs of salad
and dirty socks.
of gum wrappers
and wasted paper.

i have confiscated three phones in the last twenty four hours.
making an example of them.

i drink a lot of wine.

i listen to a lot of music.

i laugh a lot.

i don't cry easily, but when i do, the whole house stops and they come and hug me.

i'm a lucky girl.

::

today is the first day of our summer.
if you knew what dread this day brought for years and years; girls, home, always.
if you could feel the joy i feel now; girls, home, always.

i am so grateful my life-my head-has taken this turn.

welcome summer.

xo,
tt